Campaign Story

Hi! We are the Dengel family, Kevin, Emily and Elsie from Gardner, KS. We would love for you to read our story and if you feel connected or inspired, we would appreciate any support and prayers you are able and willing to give. Whether you are family, friends, acquaintances, or strangers we would love for you to join our team.

As you can imagine, struggling through infertility is like a roller-coaster. The grief and heartache with infertility is unimaginable to the naked eye. So many people just say take a break, drink some wine, go the beach, etc. Others just see it as sad and hard but unless you have battled infertility personally you will never comprehend the scars that are engraved on your heart. 

I knew from an early age that one day I would want to be a mom. I had always envisioned myself with 4-6 kids. Now it has lessened to the hopes and dreams of two. I could not imagine going through this type of heartache six times. Like any preteen girl starting your period was awkward. Growing up with a mom who was regular with her cycles, I just always expected that the cycles would come every month and for me that was not the case. It was evident by age of fourteen that something was different. Almost 4 years had passed, all my high school years to be exact and never once did I have a period. My mom took me every summer to an OBGYN with concerns and yet was told “she’s still young” “her body is just figuring it out” “she is active with sports.” Finally, my senior year the OBGYN decided to do a more thorough work up and diagnosed me with PCOS. She recommended starting birth control. It was a relief to finally have an answer however the future had a lot of unknowns.

In 2014, my husband and I met online. From the first time we meet I knew he would be the one I would marry and one day start a family with. When you approach a new relationship with “so I might not be able to have kids and/or expect to struggle” you obviously have no idea how one will respond and yet he stuck with me. I have constant fears and doubts, despite endless support and reassurance, that he would leave to find someone that could easily provide him with children.

After years of poor communication, feeling unheard, lack of education and support and about two dozen unsuccessful cycles and several devastating outcomes we seeked out a second opinion. Learning that we never had a full and proper infertility workup from the previous reproductive endocrinologist was alarming and frustrating. We realized we had some falsified documentation on my medical records. Occasionally, we were doing IUI’s when I didn’t have mature follicles and doing nothing when I did. We felt like we were starting from ground zero. We learned that I had multiple issues that affect one’s fertility. After what was to be our “baseline” cycle before starting with IVF with our new physician, we conceived. Becoming pregnant finally after several miscarriages was equally as frightening as the journey itself. Enjoying pregnancy was not something I had imagined it out to be, instead I was expecting to be defeated at any moment. Each week passed and we were closer to our end goal.

On September 11, 2019, we welcomed our daughter Elsie. Seeing her, finally holding her was more than we could have ever imagined. She is simply the best thing ever. I have always been one to trust my gut in situations and I called it from the heart every cycle if it would have “worked” or not. I knew the day of the IUI with Elsie we would see our baby. I said to my husband the day after she was born, “I know this journey was hard, but I feel like next time will be even harder. I feel like we will have to do IVF.”

Struggling for a second time is harder than I ever expected. Having old fears, emotions and doubts resurface as new bigger ones is overwhelming. Infertility has robbed me of so much joy. The joy of surprising my husband, family, and friends. It might not seem important but imagine all the extraordinary events, memories and moments from your life that could have been taken away from you.  It is difficult to be spontaneous and present. Baby shower invites are devastating. I dread hearing and seeing pregnancy announcements. It is confusing to feel happy for others and yet sad at the same time. Timing is overwhelming. Finances are overwhelming. Emotions, both healthy and unhealthy, are overwhelming. Questions are overwhelming. Friends, family, and coworkers can be overwhelming. The morals and ethical decisions associated with IVF is overwhelming. Every day I feel like I am letting everyone down. I am living in a constant state of fight or flight. Even with medication, acupuncture, meditation, and therapy sessions, I feel defeated, isolated, and alone. I am over feeling like my emotions are consuming my life. I am tired and burned out. I hate that my body does not do what it is supposed to. When you are the one with multiple infertility diagnosis’ it is only natural to blame yourself. This entire journey is out of my control. I feel like my life is on a dictated schedule by my doctor. Hormones are crazy. Bloating, hot flashes and weight gain are less than ideal. My smile doesn’t portray the torment inside. People do not realize how bad I am really struggling. I am rattled with worst case scenarios. I am constantly asking myself “what if…” I question if this is all worth it. I am still me. I am just extremely sad and scared. My life feels like it is on pause while everyone else’s is moving on. It affects every relationship in my life. After so much disappointment I fear that hope will not work out. I am trying to remind myself that it’s okay to feel the feels in the moment. I shouldn’t isolate myself. I don’t need to prove that I am strong, others already see that. At the end of the day, I know infertility is not my fault. I know one day I’ll look back and realize just how strong I was. Right now, I feel weak. Trying to be positive is not easy. I try to preach to myself that the battle I am currently facing will be the exact testimony I will hopefully use to inspire someone with one day. I pray for the day that I can say “I was once exactly where you are, and I made it through.” It may seem impossible now, but one day, when I finally win, I’ll be the reason someone else keeps fighting. It’s hard to comprehend that this season of life has a purpose. 

It breaks my heart knowing Elsie is recognizing the fact that she is different from the kids her age. She’s curious as to why she isn’t a big sister yet. Trying to explain infertility to a 4-year-old can be quite entertaining though. She’s given me some good laughs. She’s so positive yet sensitive as she wipes away my tears. It’s her little voice encouraging me that “everything will be okay” and “you’re the best mommy ever” or “mommy you are so strong and brave, take a deep breath with me” that crushes me every time. I fear that she will resent me one day. I feel guilty that I am failing as her mom. She’s my absolute world. I would do anything for her. There are nights I rock her to sleep then hold her for hours. I’m a pushover and let her sleep with us when she asks. It’s the one time a day that when she is snuggled so close and asleep in my arms that my heart isn’t shattered. I feel at peace and my purpose as her mom.  

Infertility has given me more “anniversaries” than you can imagine. Anniversaries of miscarriages. Anniversaries of due dates that never came. Anniversaries to procedures. Anniversaries of sucky situations. The anniversaries are a constant reminder of the things I do not have. The days turn into weeks, weeks into months and months into years.

After several more miscarriages, 6+ rounds of IUI, it’s evident that IVF is our final hope. We have exhausted all avenues with what little insurance coverage we do have. We have practically drained our savings. We are living more paycheck to paycheck than we ever have before. We are paying $1000-1500 out of pocket some months. Doing IVF when the cost of living is rising immediately sends me into panic mode and how are we going to afford this. The mind racing and what ifs consume my every second. My husband is currently looking for job opportunities that would provide fertility support however jobs in our area that he qualifies for have some but not complete coverage. Even with the coverage we would still be financing $12-15K+. Becoming in even more of a financial rut is terrifying. I am really struggling with the idea of debt and yet no guarantees. If no baby results from IVF we are still accountable to pay back the loans. The thought of making monthly payments with no happy ending is a hard pill to swallow. We are holding out HOPE and TRUSTING the Lord that we are making the right decision. I lay in bed at night worried that fertility loans will consume us, and we will not be able to provide Elsie with the life we envision. I have never been one to show all details of our lives on social media nor have I ever had to ask for financial support. There is only a select few that I’m okay with seeing my raw emotions. It’s exactly why this fundraiser puts me in a vulnerable situation. By posting this I am aware that I am opening the door to questions and conversations with people I don’t want to with. By the end of the day, I am already mentally drained. Talking things through multiple times a day is exhausting. Long story short I am hoping that by pouring my heart and soul into this fundraiser people will understand that this is a more sensitive subject than they realize. I frankly may not want to talk to you about it. I ask for respect and boundaries. I prefer to be the one to open the conversation. Some days I am down to talk, other days I’m private.

We know we have a ton of family and friends out there willing to cheer us on. We appreciate any assistance to help lessen the financial burden we will gain over the next several months. If you have read this far and are unable to assist, we completely understand and ask that you think about us, pray for us, dream for us every day until our family is complete.