Helping My Dreams of Becoming a Mother
Helping My Dreams of Becoming a Mother
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Nicole Tucker is organizing this fundraiser.
My name is Nicole I am a 38-year-old female currently residing in Maryland. I have been wracking my brain trying to find the right words to say that would even make me worthy of receiving this amazing gift. I am no different than anyone else and no more deserving than the next, but I feel I may have the most love available to give a child at this point in my life.
I am the oldest of 7 children, so I played the mom role from an early age, growing up forced to care for my siblings in a rough, unstable, dysfunctional household with little parental guidance was not a life I saw for myself. The harsh upbringing, I endured resulted in me thinking I might not want to have children when I get older, and I hate to say it, but I prayed constantly that I would never have children when I get older, even if I changed my mind.
Praying to never be able to have children as a young overwhelmed, frustrated, confused, selfish, and inexperienced teenager raising her siblings while missing out on normal childhood activities has been something that has haunted me my entire life. At that time all I could think about was having friends, going places, enjoying life. Instead, I was cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, doing homework, and whatever else was needed to care for and support my younger siblings.
When I turned 17, I obtained custody of my little sister, she is the only other female sibling in the 5 my mother has, and I did not want her to grow up in an environment I so desperately wanted to get away from, so I took my mother to court and received custody of my sister. I spent my youth raising children and felt as though that joy could carry me into adulthood. My sister graduated top of her class in High School received several academic rewards. She has graduated from college with her master’s degree she has been such an inspiration to me that I recently graduated with my master’s degree as well in September of 2021.
As I got older my siblings, close family and friends started to have children. At first, I was fine this is what I asked for right? Wrong I began to feel like less of a woman, I began to wonder what I do with this love that I have in my heart to give. So, I began to think more and more about the joys of becoming a mom and a few years later I started to try for a baby. No luck. So, in 2008 I reached out to my OBGYN to make appointments to find out if everything was ok. She told me everything looks good so let’s try IUI. After trying that she decided to do an HSG exam and what do you know one of my tubes is blocked. So that gives me a 50% chance of trying to conceive I was placed on fertility medication pills, shots, etc. The medical bills were racking up we tried IUI about 8 times before she suggested doing IVF.
I made the appointment to meet with the fertility providers to discuss IVF, the appointment date took 9 months. The month before my appointment I was laid off from my job and no longer had the insurance coverage to continue with the process. Devastated about the process I fell into a depressed state and decided maybe I was not fit to become a mother, after all, I did pray for this.
In 2018 I decided to investigate the possibilities once again. This time after my HSG exam I discovered both of my tubes were blocked! How could this be? I have never had any surgeries, or procedures that would cause scar tissue that my OBGYN states cannot be removed. At this point, I feel defeated. I feel like I have cursed myself to be alone forever. I feel as though I have a point to prove to myself and God that I would be an amazing mother that’s all I want in this world before I die is to become a mother. I have helped raise several children within my life but none of them have been my own.
I struggle with building a stronger relationship with my mother to this day, and I have no idea how someone can bring a human life into this world and not do everything in their power not to protect that life. As a child I had no idea where I would end up, I saw no way out of the madness, and I did not want to bring a child into this world I could not protect and give all of me.
As an adult, I am happy with the life I have made for myself I have made it out and I am at a point in my life I can provide for someone other than myself. I have desires to break boundaries and generational curses with the love I have for my child. I have been thru hell and back within my 38 years on this earth given my all to those who needed it and the only thing I want in the world I can’t have. I feel punished and undeserving at times. I hate to hear when people say when it is your time it will happen, how is it not my time.
I know that if this is meant for me it will be. I can’t be angry I can’t be frustrated as much I want to; I am not the only person in the world who has this issue. I am not better than the next person. I just know that I have so much love to give my baby any assistance would be greatly appreciated.
Please help my dreams come true! #2022BabyBumb!
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