Journey to Maternal Miracles & Blessings
Journey to Maternal Miracles & Blessings
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Kimberly Macklin is organizing this fundraiser.
My name is Kimberly Macklin and I am currently on my journey of redemption to motherhood. At the young marital age of 21 I made the premature decision to have my tubes clamped after my youngest (third) daughter was born. Immediately regretting my decision, I felt judged and I took every blow delivered to my maternal ego as I was verbally chastised for my decision. And I processed and internalized every dirty look that other mothers gave me as if I tarnished my right to motherhood. As a result, I became my harshest critic, and with every monthly also came a week of tears and self-hate! I spent years working in the medical field being able to suppress the desire, the passion and the need to be a new mommy all over again. However, now that pregnancy is directly in my face as someone who works in an Ob/Gyn office, this craving and yearning can no longer lay dormant. I spent too many years crying and begging God for forgiveness for the decision I made when I know He has already forgiven me! Now it’s time for me to get back in control, chase, grasp and conquer my dreams!
I knew this journey into IVF wasn’t going to be a walk in the park. I also knew it was going to force me to have to face a loss that I never grieved. Prior to my youngest daughter I actually lost a baby in my first trimester. Fourteen years later, I didn’t grieve my miscarriage until it was time to sit down with the fertility counselor prior to searching for my sperm donor. I have spent hundreds of dollars on IVF pre-screening that wasn’t covered by insurance, on applying for IVF grants, on monthly storage fees for my sperm donor’s specimen, and I even endured multiple denial letters in regards to loans to help me get one step closer to my dreams. I’ve spent numerous nights on my knees, clutching my chest as tears literally poured down my face, praying to God and asking Him to not count me out…asking fertility foundations to not count me out…all while trying not to count myself out!
When this process was moving along…it was moving along. When this process lost its momentum…it did just that! Despite the moments, despite the hurt, pain and disgust I have refused to give up. Labor Day 2021 I lost my dad unexpectedly, and I never got the chance to tell him that I was on this journey to have another baby…I never got the chance to tell him that “Lord willing Daddy your going to be a PopPop again”! My plan was to go through the process with my three princesses as privately as possible, and surprise him with a keepsake photo of my first ultrasound. It would have meant the world to him and I know it still does!
For me personally, starting IVF treatment isn’t just about being a new mommy all over again. It’s also about having your three daughters witness the strength of a woman, the power of a woman, the determination of a woman and strength and ability we carry within our bodies and our wombs. It’s about turning a negative into a positive…it’s about how even though I made a premature decision, I also have years of education, self-love, self-care and maturity that have awaken me to the reality that I have choices! I have the ability to fulfill my hearts desire through IVF; I CAN DO THIS!!! It’s about taking that leap of faith despite being scared because life is too short. I will never be able to go back in time and change the decision I made at 21 years old. I will never know if my angel baby was my son or daughter, and I will never hear that same heartbeat ever again. I will never be able to go back in time and have that conversation with my daddy where I watch that grin creep up on his face, trying to contain his excitement as I tell him all about the IVF journey I’m on! I can only do what I can now here in the present. My three princesses are my world and if they had it their way I would be pregnant right now…lol!
This is where the self-judgement stops, this is where the self-hate stops, and this is where the regrets stop! On this journey to maternal miracles and blessings I claim and manifest my healthy pregnancy! I claim and manifest my healthy baby! I claim and manifest an abundance of love and happiness!
“Daddy I know you are watching over us and I miss you terribly. I wish I would have told you about this journey sooner. Maybe your heart would have held on just a little bit longer to see your next grandbaby:( I know you are with me through this process and I know you are proud of me for not giving up. I won’t give up Daddy…I promise! Guide me through this Daddy…I love you forever and always…your first baby girl, Kim!”